April 9th 2019
“I want something else to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life, baby, I want something else, not listening when you say goodbye”-Third eye blind
That song is totally about doing meth btw….but I think that the meth is really more of a way to deal with the symptoms of being human. That is what addiction is all about right? Trying to escape the mundane long enough to feel alive in an altered reality? I wrote this whole short story about riding trimet in the early A.M.’s and about how you see the same people waiting, and how there is an odd feeling of community even if you never even speak to each other. But I hand wrote most of it on a napkin and lost it, so this is what you get, and I am in a mood. Shall we begin?
I am currently equally fascinated and disgusted by others...I think human connection is the most intoxicating thing there is, but a double edged sword as it will easily stab you right in the heart 10 minutes after it changes your perception and gives you hope. People are an addiction, our bodies are hard wired for chemical and hormone flux just by being in the same room with someone.
You can actually feel electricity with some people, its equal parts ecstasy and fear. It only happens rarely, and I almost find it dangerous, to not be able to control yourself to the point that lizard brain takes over and gives you all kinds of delusions of grandeur regarding another human. I think maybe that is why we run from real connections, and it also depletes us as a species. We can control our image online, in real life you cannot, you are taken at face value, if the vibes aren’t there it's apparent. Human connection is essential, but it is also becoming harder and harder to come by.
I think i’ve lived a sheltered life, due to the fact that at my age most folks already know the cruel and unusual side of humanity, whereas, I am still quite taken back and heart broken when another human discards my appreciation and efforts to connect. I felt jaded before, but since the beginning of the year I have had a few different exchanges that make me realize maybe I don’t even know myself and my preferences that well. I am really hoping it is one of those “transitional” moments that put you on a path towards enlightenment (I am an optimist at heart)…..but what if it is just a reminder that we all die alone, and that you can really trust nothing and no one?
I really wanna “seize the day” but reality can be so icky that I have just been binge watching “Mad Men” for two months while I do what seems like endless amounts of laundry. We have all had amazing short lived experiences that give you hope, but why must they quickly turn into months of self deprecation and insecurities based on the facts that there was some sort of failure in the connection. I used to think I was just like a hopeless romantic about things, but in reality, I’m just a backwards, old fashioned, naive weirdo, with limited life experience, who can cook(about the only thing I feel competent at). We focus so much on money and consuming stuff that we lose what we as humans at the primitive level really need to be happy…...connection to each other, to be in a tribe, to experience what we can in the physical realm, you can’t replace that with sex robots and virtual reality and the more we try the worse we will be as a species (still probably not as bad as “Don Draper” but at least he is handsome). Like always I am a walking contradiction and I must own that, but I am sure someone out there feels the same way I do. Without the bad, we don’t know what is good, but does it have to be this jarring to know the difference….is ignorance really bliss?
How often does fear stop us from living? Fear is really just anxiety, right? Anxiety in general is the worst thing, but it is also one my most defining character flaws...so who am I without the anxiety? What is so wrong with living fearlessly, not putting on a front and just being authentic about your feelings? If you figure it out let me know. So I continue to tell inappropriate jokes and not be taken seriously, as with most others, I am merely a cog in whatever reality you deal in, part of the background, and you get to define me as you wish…...even if you are wrong…..and you probably are.
“I believe in the sand beneath my toes, the beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling I believe in the faith that grows, and the four right chords can make me cry, when I'm with you I feel like I could die, and that would be all right.”
Let’s make some fucking rice shall we?
It’s pretty hard to screw up if you put in the love and effort….do everything with intention, just don’t expect the same in return….but hey this rice is real good!
Life is cathartic, your rice shouldn’t be.
2 cups rice, I am using regular long grain, white rice, but I have used basmati, jasmine, and sushi rice with varying degrees of success, just remember some rice is more starchy than others, just like some people are more likable than others, but you can have a good time with most anyone if the conditions are right.
3 cups of chicken stock, the better the stock the better the rice.
2 tablespoons butter
⅓ diced onion, small dice sucka.
¼ lemon juice
A drizzle of olive oil cuz it’s Greek food.
In a medium pan, add olive oil and butter on medium heat, when the butter melts, add the onion, cook until translucent, about five minutes you can add a pinch of salt (I love Maldon salt) as they cook.
Add the rice, stir around a bit, don’t brown it, this ain’t rice a roni.
Add the stock, turn the heat up, once its at a boil, turn it to low, add the lemon juice,and throw a lid on it. At ten minutes of the lid being on, remove the lid and fluff a bit. Turn off the heat, wait ten more minutes, remove lid, fluff once more and eat.